I have been quiet around here this week. I have been so busy, always either working or (more often) soaking up time with my two boys. I have been spending less time at my desk, more time playing with Seth, eating picnics in the park, talking with Manny, and making meals to eat together as a family. It's been sort of a forced break, but one that I needed. As Seth gets older (and he is- sometimes I look at hi and am just awestruck that my baby is now a little boy!), I don't want him to remember always trying to pull mommy's attention away from her computer screen. I am intentionally engaging with him all day, and saving work for specific, set-aside times. Now I am in the bookstore with my laptop, and I have been sitting here wondering what to post about, or really where to start, because there has just been so much going on in my head and heart and life lately. I feel a shift that is practically impossible to describe, as it is still taking place.
Still, in the true spirit of me, I will try to describe it anyway. (After all, I'm pretty into attempting the impossible.) I feel that I am becoming more myself. I am feeling more confident and more purposeful. A few days ago, the phrase, "less thinking, less planning- more doing" popped into my head. I suddenly realized that I spend an awful lot of time thinking about the things I want to do, and not enough time on action. So I am focusing more on action, and I suddenly feel more in control of my own life and career than I ever have.
Another shift... I wrote about beauty and self confidence recently, and I want to tell you, I have struggled with those things. I have experienced pain and brokenness that, at a young age, left me so very unsure of myself. I did not see any value in myself. I hated and tried to hide anything that was unique about me, because I wanted to blend in. I became shy because I would rather be invisible to others, and fade to the background, then to draw attention that could lead to rejection. And I was so sure that I would always be rejected, because I thought that all the things I saw that were wrong with me must be so obvious to everyone else as well. I have experienced so much healing and renewal, and while I still struggle at times, I have come so far. Lately I feel like I discovering who I really am in a way that I couldn't before. In the midst of all the inadequacy of my past, I could never get in touch with my true self. I had no foundation, so I flitted from one thing to the next, relying on others' reactions to determine so much about how I lived my life. The process of healing my thoughts and my heart has allowed me to know what my true passions are, and get in touch with my true self. From that healing, my writing flows, and my photography career was born. And I am learning to live from that healing every day, to reclaim myself, to dig a little deeper. I have never felt so solid in my entire life. I'm not saying I've "arrived", I am just on the right path now. I am moving in the direction that my life was always meant to go. And in learning to live every day in a way that is authentically me, I know that my writing and my photography and evolving too. I am really excited about my business becoming more a reflection of myself and my uniqueness rather then a reflection of what I have observed is working for others.
I'm not even sure if those were all the right words. But there it is.
I have to say that knowing that you read what I have to say, that there are people who enjoy my work and are inspired by it, means so much to me. Thank you for reading. I am so encouraged by online/blogging community- what a phenomenon this creative, authentic part of the internet is. I am honored to be part of it. Where once online friendships may have been laughed at or discredited, it is a real thing now. It is amazing to me how many deep, lifelong connections are made between people through blogging and other social media. It is the positive side of the internet age, and it has changed the way people interact and the way they do business and the way they learn. Anyway, that interesting subject is one for another post entirely.
Have a beautiful day friends, and love yourself a little more today.